Thursday, August 19, 2010

Honesty out of failure.

I've been dreading this post for a long while now. Trust me, it's been on my mind. Perhaps it's because I don't want to admit I failed because ultimately I made myself accountable by telling you about it. This post this morning made me realize that maybe it was time to come clean. If you run and haven't checked out Amanda's blog, RuntoTheFinish, you're missing out on a fabulous running community.

In June I lost my motivation to run. In that I wasted 6 weeks of dedicated training that pushed me to my limits and proved me I was a good runner. I have a list of excuses I could share, but I feel like all but one was truly a factor. Everything else was stuff I could have gotten over.

I did not run my half marathon in July. The last time I ran was with my dad at the Livestrong event in Seattle. I hadn't run for 3 weeks prior to that race. I'm so thankful I didn't let my dad down. I wavered back and forth the week before the half  knowing I had let my training go and hadn't run more than 8 miles. I feared injuring myself if I pushed it for the sake of pride and in the end I didn't go.

My biggest failure factor is my battle with depression. I was sad, overwhelmed and tired all the time. I just couldn't make myself get out the door. I've struggled on and off with it for years and not until this year did I truly seek treatment. My doctor prescribed me medication a few months back and I saw an immediate improvement with my energy and my desire to be active again. I was over the moon for my half and I trained hard.

Slowly my motivation faded and again I was feeling sad, overwhelmed and tired all the time. You haven't met a professional sleeper until you've owned a cat or have simply met me. I was a month away from my follow up with my doctor and instead of calling to get in early to discuss how I was feeling, I let it go. I can't tell you how big of a mistake that was. When I saw her at my appointment we discussed the best course of action and I've been happy with the results.

I felt embarrassed at first to admit that I was taking depression medication, but I know now I wont take it forever. If you feel you need help, seek help! Don't wait! Your doctor can help you choose the right course of action to get back on the road to recovery. Life is now, in the present. We can't waste our time thinking we'll feel better tomorrow. I'm so thankful that lots of prayer and a little medication has help me feel sane again.

I feel like I'm still in a running rut though I feel 110% better mentally and I hope to get back on the wagon soon. I have a 5k run planned with my parents on Saturday and I hope this is exactly what I need to get back in gear. I will run a half marathon one day. The thought of the challenge gets me so excited. I just don't think this was my year.

Thanks for all of the support and kind words I've gotten about my running, I'll be back at it soon!


TheThingAboutDaisies said...

Thank you for posting this. It's never easy to admit you need help. I'm so glad that you are on the right path and starting to feel better. If you ever need to talk, vent or rant you know where to find me.

Kate said...

I really admire your courage for posting this. It's great to hear that you've found the help that you need and you're starting to feel like yourself again!